Dear Daddy,

So for the past three months, we have lost four important people. I guess you could say that death has been around our family. It been hard, I seen part of your heart break and I wish I could make it better.

Being around all this make me think, it a fact of life that our parents will(most of the time) past away before their kids. That fact is never far from my mind because I don't know how I will be able to handle life without you in it.

Most people wonder why I think about it a lot but the main reason I do with you, is because I know you are in a lot of pain. You have been in pain my whole life, you broke you back when I was only one month old. When I was 12, you broke your hip. It been part of my life and I wish I could do something about it. You can't even stand up straight anymore and I really hate to say this but it not getting any better. I feel like you have giving up.

I know it hard working on something and nothing changes but let me be selfish, please keep trying for me. I want you to be around for as long as possible. I want you to see me grow up and become something. I want you to be a grandfather and have son in laws/daughter in laws.

I love you so much. I know we don't always see eye to eye on some/a lot of things but for me (and Margaret and Nate and Mom and You), see eye to eye on this. Try everything you can to make yourself better. Bottom line, we need you.

Love,
Your Hot-Shot.

Not Fair

It only May and four people who are dear to my heart are gone.
My Uncle Ted
A Friend from Jr.high-Lexi
My Grammie
and my first love, Dave.

It not freaken fair. I know that death is part of life (even if that sentence doesn't make sense) but I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I think that life should be celebrated but it hard because my heart just missing them so much. Two of them were 35 or younger. We still don't know my Dave died. The past Monday is was suppose to go to the doctor because he felt sick and he pass away on Friday. Lexi was in a car accident, we were told that she felt no pain, died right away. My Uncle Ted was fine a couple of months ago and then went to the hospital and never left. My Grammie was old and her body just gave up. She was 92 years old.

I hope this stops, my heart can't really take it anymore.

My Grammie asked us to "never forget her" and honestly, I could never forget her, apart of my heart went with her, with all of them.

It just not fair.

Happy Birthday Bro and Happy Mothers Day!!!

Two busy days but both wonderful days.

My brother turn 14 years old and he shows it. lol

I really love him, he my only brother and I couldn't picture my life without.

He makes me laugh all the time, gosh, he amazing.

and my mother.

yep i got the best mother in the world. hands down. sorry world, but she taken for.

gosh, I love her. most everything. lol

I thankful for her.

(if she ever see this, she gonna kill me for this picture)

Adoption

Maybe it because mothers' day is just around the corner but right now at this moment, I do not like the fact that I am adopted.

There I said it.

I met my birth mother close to two years ago and well it didn't go the way i though it would and I haven't talk to her in a long time. I always knew that I had two sisters and I met them that day too. My one sister is going to have a baby, her first, she is due and June. In some sense, I will be an aunt but the chances of me meeting this kid are slim to none. That breaks my heart, I want to be there and I want to be in the kid life and all of their lives but they aren't letting or my birth mom is letting me.

I do not know.

It not fair, she gave me up. She made that decision, not me. She has to live with her choices. I don't hate her, I never did. I love my life and is very thankful to her for giving it to me. But now that I want to be involve in her life and my sisters, she once again has the power to stop it and it not fair. I should I have a choice here.

God, one day. I am the type a person who keeps her month shut, I hardly ever say what I am thinking. I sometimes write down the convo. I wish I had just to get them out there for myself, the person never ever see it. But seriously, one of these days, I gonna loose it with her and tell her everything I want (sometimes need) to say and I don't think it will be pretty.

Adoption breaks my heart.
My situation breaks my heart.

and it not ucking fair.