Prayer

Life is funny, and I know a lot of people say that but really my life never seem to stay the same. Sometimes it good to have stable things going in my life but most of the time it drives me crazy. Because I want things to be different and exciting, like other people lives.

For a couple weeks, I kept saying, "God, I need a freaking miracle."

I believe I am watching a miracle un-folding.

It a beautiful thing

I sometimes, cannot believe how amazing our God is, How He really is there for each one of his children. How most of my life is a lot of little mixstakes yet he still there, giving me things, I don't really deserve.

Isn't Jesus, just the best?
Isn't the wonder of prayer just awesome?

Prayer is such a powerful thing, I forget that all the time because I don't really pray how much as I should. When prayers are answers, it just so humble-ing.

It just plain beautiful.

Better Late than Never

This year has been great, so many things to be grateful for.

*My Family, they are a pain most of the time but I couldn't live without them. They make my life better.
*My Friends, all of them, they are my family. I love them and very thankful for the love they give me.
*My health, I may not be in the greatest shape but I am alive and that something to be very thankful for.
*My house, some people don't have one but I am one of the lucky ones.
*My job, it a stressful job but it amazing.
*My Snickers, he a wonderful bunny, who brings me great joy.

On a other note, if you read this, can you remember me in your prayers. Nothing bad has happen, I just feel like I need a big miracle. I need something, I just feel it. Thanks.

Tellin My Story

No one reads this blog but me so I gonna write this for me.

I love fall, I mean love it. But it does bring bad memories for me. Some Good too.

The good is a grew very close to a friend, had crazy times with her, good stories for life. Found out a little about myself.

The bad is I became one of those girls.

This happen almost 3 years ago and it now that I can almost talk about it.

I was raped.

I was hit.

I was choked.

I was throw against a wall.

I was slapped everywhere on my body.

I was burned.

I was made to believe that I was nothing.

I was made to believe that I deserved everything that was coming to me.

I was stupid, I kept going back to him because I loved him. I though every bruise was proof of my love for him. I believed that his anger was my problem. I believed I did everything wrong.

Everyone was having fun, so I should too, right? That was fun, I was told it was.

I remember once he was so pissed off that he threw me against the wall, I bang my head so hard, that I became to bleed, I didn't blackout, almost. Everyone heard it and just though we were having sex, and he said that how he does it, "hard sex" and I just nodding, trying not to past out.

I always said no. It pissed him off that I wasn't having sex with him daily. It pissed him off so bad, that one day, he just pick me up by my neck, threw me on the bed, putting my arms, behind my back, taking off my pants, covering my face with a pillow and having his way with me. It was the most painful thing, he ever did to me. He got off and kiss me on the forehead and said, " see, it wasn't that bad". He acting like nothing happen. I always said no.

After that, I was stupid and drank the drinks he gave me. So I don't remember the others time too well.

I wish I could, I smarted up and left him but no. He just moved, we never really broke up. And I hate to say but I did miss him for months, maybe years.

I should have know it was bad when his friend though it was ok to choke me because I took the TV remote. But I didn't.

I will never be over this but I am working threw it on my own time, I am past the hate but the hurt will always be there.

Trust issues with guys will always will there. Trust issues with Jesus will be there for a long time.

I will be a better person because of this, One day, I just know it.

I am alive

Life been getting weirder and weirder but I am liking it.
So don't worry, I am still here. :)

Emotional Pain

I don't like to be hurt.
I don't like to feel emotional pain.

I push people away because I know I won't get hurt.
But now since I have done that, I am in more emotional pain then I think I can handle.

I know I need to let people back in. Love them as much as I can and Let them love me as much as they can.

The path I need to be on is the one that let me expect what people bring to the table. Good and the Bad.



The problem is I don't know how to get back on that path.

Baby Brother

I don't my baby brother is a baby anymore. :(

Here my proof,



So last Saturday I was taking my bro threw the drive threw, I was using my parent's van. It was a long line and it was hot so we open all the windows and the middle doors. Anyways, we were just sitting there, talking and all the sudden a bee was chilling on my arm. So I freak out and I guess, I freak out the bee and he flew away.



And my brother says," Holy Shit sister, you scared the hell out of me."


HAHAHAHAHA



You have to understand my brother is kinda of the golden children and the baby of the family. He gets away with everything and he does almost everything our parents say. He trys really hard to not to swear but I guess it slipped, haha. He coming into his own and I love the person he becoming.



oh, I will show pictures of my door product soon.

New Painting Job

So I have a bathroom, a really boring bathroom. But anyways, that back of the bathroom door has seen a lot of different designs on it. I always wanted to do something with it but could figure something good out.

Well, I think I got it!! Here a preview:

Here the back of the door before, really gross looking.

Here the Door after the magic cleaner. Shinny!!!

That just Day 1, more to come......

Only a Dream.....

I not one to try to make sense of a dream but this one was so real, I woke up crying.

I cannot let it go.

Let me explain the dream.....

I don't know what happen before but all of the sudden I was laying on the floor about to check my voice mails on this old school answering machine, i mean old school.

It said I had 46 new messages and first one I listen to is from my birth mother. It was the first time she called me (she never called me in real life) and she was talking about how much she loved me and how much she wanted to be in my life and how she knew that I sometime call her and hung up.

I didn't get to finish it, the alarm went off but in the dream I was crying as I was listening to it and I woke up crying. It was so real.

I have no idea what this dream means.

It is something that I want to happen but man it was so real.

Do dreams really mean anything??

A Year-Long Effort.

Ones of my Goals, really the only one I kept, kinda, was to write my birth mother a letter every month. No questions asked, just telling her about my life.

It August and I haven't heard a thing back, I told myself and her if I didn't hear anything back by December, then I am done.

IT ALMOST DECEMBER!!!!!!

I want her and I don't know of any other way to tell her. I love her. She my blood, I never been able to say that about anybody. She gave me a chance at life. She will never be my mom, Sally is my mom and the best mom, but my birth mother, Lori, is sorta kinda my mom.

I mean how fucking hard is it to write a letter, or pick up the phone and even write an email. I mean how hard it that.

She slowing breaking my heart.

Ugly Betty

Ugly Betty is one of my favorite shows, no I don't stop everything to watch it, I usually watch it on dvds. I like because it funny, I mean really funny and because I like the charter of Betty. I like that she herself and doesn't care that much about what people think of her.

But here the thing,

Her name is UGLY BETTY and she has guys fighting over her. I know it a TV show and they write it that way to make it interesting. But come on, can I be like Betty, can I have at least one guy?

That all I want out of life, to be a wife and a mom. I keep asking God to let it happen, soon if possible. Yes, I am only 21 years old but that all I really want.

So yes, I want to be like Betty and have some guys, just one for be awesome.

Savings on 7.23.09

So I am getting into savings and cutting coupons. I mean, come one, when a bill comes to $20.11 (let's say) and you get it down to $5.45, it an amazing. I love feeling like I can get things I like/love and still save a lot of money.

WALGREENS

I got:

4-2 pocket folders on sale for 9 cents each


5 pack of BIC highlighters on sale for .49 cents each


2 stocht tape on sale for .39 cents each


2 Kleenex boxs-with walgreens coupon .89 cents each


1 shaving cream bottle-with walgreens coupon 1.99 each


a pack of gum-with walgreens couple .99 cents each


Walgreens Advertised savings- $7.30


Walgreens Coupon Savings- $2.50


Total Savings- $9.80

I only paid $6.75 for all that. pure joy.

CVS/PHARMACY


These for on sale for $3.99 each. I had a coupon off for $2.00 off two bottles. So that made them $2.99 each. Which is amazing, there are the big bottles, 32 FL oz. They will last a long time.


Thanks to other blogs, like, http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/ , I have been printing off amazing deals and getting free samples sent to me in the mail.

It fun saving money!!

Is it worth is?

Being single it gives me plenty of time to think about why I am single, yeah.

I think it comes down to my looks are the greatest, I need to work on the whole weigh thing and I don't have a lot of confidence.

But the big issue to me and why i am single is, do i put out or not? Yeah, I went there because it a big battle in my head. 

I know that Christian thing to do is wait but will it be really that awesome? Or just do it? I mean I know people who have/had sex with lots of people and they are fine, just fine. And the people that do wait, make it seem so freaken awesome that they waited and everyone should. I know people who decide to put out before marriage and married that guy/girl that they did it first with. 

Seriously, what a girl to do?

Some guys don't date me because I won't have sex with them in the first month of dating. I mean if I decide to do this, it gonna be a while into dating him before doing the deed. 

I just want to make the right decision and be happy with it. 

This note makes me seem like I am 13, lol.

Pure Cute-ness

am I right or what?

Dear MTV

So I know Michael Jackson died and it a (kinda) sad lost but do you really have to talk and show videos about him for two (so far) straight? I mean come on, every freaking news station is talking about him, aren't there way important things going on then Michael Jackson.


He was a creep. (there I said it). He got a way with things that he shouldn't have, because he was acting like he was insane.

So, MTV, stop talking about him.


Also, Farrah Fawcett die that day too. She lost her battle with cancer, she was a dang good actress, she raised a lot of money for cancer, and she was a creep. You, MTV, should remember her too.



she was beautiful, inside and out.


signed,
Alice Nakles

Where to go?

I have lived in small towns all my life, always near a big city but never in one. I want that to change after college is done, of course.

The dream is, I finish college with a nursing* degree and get a job with the degree and it would take to the city ( but what city?).

New York City (?)

Chicago (?)

Washington DC (?)

Pittsburgh (?)

I don't know, I love them all so much and they all have different things to offer. But Ohio is getting lame and I don't really want to be much longer so I might leave before college is done and finish college in the new city, ahh the city.

*degree is still not decided so it can change at anytime.

A New Baby

On June 12, 2009 at 5:12pm, I became an anut.




His name is Connor Brantlee. 7lb and 7oz.
Mom and Baby are doing awesome.
They are home now and getting use to their new life.



I am hopping to meet him in July. Untill I will have enjoy pictures.


I love this little guy.

Being a christian or not

Jesus.

A Good man, right?
Yes.

Then why is so hard for me to completely trust him. I wish I could answer that. Some night, I just want to get on my knees and cry and pray to him but I don't I just go to bed or do something else. Why? Who knows.

I keep my heart so guarded, I am so afraid of being hurt. I know it part of life but I really don't want or need it. The main problem with keeping my heart so projected is, I don't let Jesus in. I just keep it all to myself.

I honestly don't know what to say but I know I need some change. A good kick in the butt would work.

Pray would work even better.

Body Parts

Let me face the facts:

I hate my body.
I am fat.
and it all my fault.

OK that done.

I am working on it, I am running a lot more and eating more healthy things but I not gonna lie, I do eat things that are bad for me. I know that I will never be skinny but I could at least loose 100lbs and be way for healthy. My Doctors say that I am not obese, so that good but I don't want to get there, I want to get to a happy medium.

But I always wonder if I get to that place where I am at a healthy weight, will I like my body then? Will I ever be happy with my body?

I really don't know, but I hope that I am.

only 99lbs to go.
oh my word!

Dear Daddy,

So for the past three months, we have lost four important people. I guess you could say that death has been around our family. It been hard, I seen part of your heart break and I wish I could make it better.

Being around all this make me think, it a fact of life that our parents will(most of the time) past away before their kids. That fact is never far from my mind because I don't know how I will be able to handle life without you in it.

Most people wonder why I think about it a lot but the main reason I do with you, is because I know you are in a lot of pain. You have been in pain my whole life, you broke you back when I was only one month old. When I was 12, you broke your hip. It been part of my life and I wish I could do something about it. You can't even stand up straight anymore and I really hate to say this but it not getting any better. I feel like you have giving up.

I know it hard working on something and nothing changes but let me be selfish, please keep trying for me. I want you to be around for as long as possible. I want you to see me grow up and become something. I want you to be a grandfather and have son in laws/daughter in laws.

I love you so much. I know we don't always see eye to eye on some/a lot of things but for me (and Margaret and Nate and Mom and You), see eye to eye on this. Try everything you can to make yourself better. Bottom line, we need you.

Love,
Your Hot-Shot.

Not Fair

It only May and four people who are dear to my heart are gone.
My Uncle Ted
A Friend from Jr.high-Lexi
My Grammie
and my first love, Dave.

It not freaken fair. I know that death is part of life (even if that sentence doesn't make sense) but I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I think that life should be celebrated but it hard because my heart just missing them so much. Two of them were 35 or younger. We still don't know my Dave died. The past Monday is was suppose to go to the doctor because he felt sick and he pass away on Friday. Lexi was in a car accident, we were told that she felt no pain, died right away. My Uncle Ted was fine a couple of months ago and then went to the hospital and never left. My Grammie was old and her body just gave up. She was 92 years old.

I hope this stops, my heart can't really take it anymore.

My Grammie asked us to "never forget her" and honestly, I could never forget her, apart of my heart went with her, with all of them.

It just not fair.

Happy Birthday Bro and Happy Mothers Day!!!

Two busy days but both wonderful days.

My brother turn 14 years old and he shows it. lol

I really love him, he my only brother and I couldn't picture my life without.

He makes me laugh all the time, gosh, he amazing.

and my mother.

yep i got the best mother in the world. hands down. sorry world, but she taken for.

gosh, I love her. most everything. lol

I thankful for her.

(if she ever see this, she gonna kill me for this picture)

Adoption

Maybe it because mothers' day is just around the corner but right now at this moment, I do not like the fact that I am adopted.

There I said it.

I met my birth mother close to two years ago and well it didn't go the way i though it would and I haven't talk to her in a long time. I always knew that I had two sisters and I met them that day too. My one sister is going to have a baby, her first, she is due and June. In some sense, I will be an aunt but the chances of me meeting this kid are slim to none. That breaks my heart, I want to be there and I want to be in the kid life and all of their lives but they aren't letting or my birth mom is letting me.

I do not know.

It not fair, she gave me up. She made that decision, not me. She has to live with her choices. I don't hate her, I never did. I love my life and is very thankful to her for giving it to me. But now that I want to be involve in her life and my sisters, she once again has the power to stop it and it not fair. I should I have a choice here.

God, one day. I am the type a person who keeps her month shut, I hardly ever say what I am thinking. I sometimes write down the convo. I wish I had just to get them out there for myself, the person never ever see it. But seriously, one of these days, I gonna loose it with her and tell her everything I want (sometimes need) to say and I don't think it will be pretty.

Adoption breaks my heart.
My situation breaks my heart.

and it not ucking fair.

pretty much amazing.

adult-hood

When do we become an adult? Yeah, I know when we turn 18, we can buy some smokes, watch some porn and vote and we can't call ourselves a minor anymore. When we turn 21, we can drink and buy beer. But when does the moment happen, when we feel it?

We grow up, we go to college and get a real job with a salary not paid by the hour, we get our own place, create our own rules (no parents allowed..lol) somewhere along the line, marriage and kids come into the pictures. But where is the moment, that it happens, where we feel it?

I believe that we never grow up, sure things change and we get to make more decisions without parents butting in but I don't think we grow up.

Plus being an adult is way over ratted.

I don't know but I am still waiting for the moment where I feel like an adult.

dating....

yeah,dating has never been fun for me just cause it awkward and hard.
it much much easier just to be in a relationship.

but i guess you have to date to get in a relationship, right.

a friend of mine got her boyfriend for a website call datinghookup.com. 8 months and going.
a couple friends got married from eharmony.com but that one way to much money.

so i though what the heck, i going try it, the free one. lol

so wish me luck.

is my turn next?

For the past 8 years, I have been babysitting, all ages. For the past 3 years, I have been a nanny.

I am skilled in potty training a girl, putting kids to bed/nap, making three meals a day, dropping and picking up kids to school, going to awful play dates, doing mommy and me classes, giving kids a bath while I am fully dressed,playing made up games, holding kids while they cry having my ear almost blow off because they are so freaken loud, and so many things that mom do every day.

I been called mom so many times and to be honest most days, I don't correct them because most people don't get it, "i am just the nanny." , yeah i know, way to hard to understand.

anyways, my point is, I want to be a real mommy and wife. real bad.

That all I have ever wanted to be. As far back as I can remember, I just want to be a wife and mommy. Scared off some guys when I tell the truth.

So many friends and family are getting married and starting a family and don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happy for them but I just keep wondering, is it my turn, next.

My prayer for the longest time, is for true love to come along my way. I want it, I don't care about the wedding, a court house or Vegas is fine with me, I just want a marriage, and then kids and lots of them.

I just had to complain and hopes that it comes really fast because I been ready for a long time.

please God, let it happen soon. thanks, i love you.

Rain storms are amazing to listen to and to sleep to, too.

I love the rain, I love how to cleans everything. Make everything fresh looking and new looking. It feeds hungry plants.


All and all, it reminds me of Jesus. cause every once in a while, it make me fresh and new looking. and feeds me.


rain is a good thing.

first

Happy Birthday Cora!!!
You are one!!!

I sure that heaven had a great party for you. One that was sure better than what your parents could have planned for you.

You are amazing little girl and even though you are gone, you are teaching people so much. Not alot of people can say that.

Everyone is missing you. Have a good first birthday!!!

Dear Lucky Carms

you, my friend have been the best breakfast food ever, hands down! you have a tad bit of healthy in you and those beautiful colorful marshmallows in you. the perfect amount of sugar. thanks so much for being created. thanks for being there for me, either for hunger or comfort. you know how to do it. you are a wonderful friend. i love you.


look how beautiful, you are.
please don't ever change.

not so easy

Prayer isn't always easy.
Last night, I just pour my heart out to Him.
I was real, even droping some f-bombs.
I know, but that what I felt.
I feel refresh in a way but not all the way.
If that makes sense.
I just want my life to start.


because it hasn't and everyone see it.


it selfish, i know.

We live in a Beautiful World...

yeah we do

yeah we do.

Lust Day

Cleveland has a newspaper that comes out every Friday,called the Scene. It the best.

This is what was on the front the day before vday :

It called the "The Lust Issue"

epic.

eww

gross. on so many levels.

No More Pain

Cora Mac went to be with Jesus today. I don't understand when little kids past away, why take them now, they are way to little. All I can say is at least she is in no more pain and she hanging out with Jesus. Please pray for this family.

Happy Birthday!!!

The little girl that I nanny for turned three today. Little Mya

She is the sweetest three year old. She always want to help me clean and cook. We always make things like crafts or cookies for mommy and daddy for when they get home. She is almost always happy. She amazing.

Happy Birthday Mya-boo!!! I love you.

Bailey

That the name of the dog that I "babysit" and I know it werid to talk about a dog and show pictures on here but I have never had a dog before and I love it. Just FYI, I have no idea what type of dog this is.

Isn't is adorable?

PS. Please keep praying for Cora. Things were looking up for awhile but they just got worst. Please pray for her and the family. also look at their blog: http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/

Cora Mac

This sweet little baby girl named, Cora, as gone threw so much in her little life. She has cancer. She not even one yet. She started getting ear infections after ear infections and black eyes, they didn't know how she was getting them. The doctor did some blood work and took an x-ray of her abdomen where he found that liver was enlarged. The parents took her to a different doctor where he could test her and he found a "mass" by her kidney and spots on her liver. The next day, from the CT scan they could see a tumor next to her kidney and spots on her liver. Cora would need surgery to remove the tumor, take a bone marrow sample, and put a cath in for chemo treatments. She had her surgey to remove the tumor and the doctor said that it did look like Neuroblastoma (a form of cancer). A couple more surgeys and still the cancer is stage 4 and has spread to other parts of her body. She started chemo last night.

Please pray for her. She so young. The Doctor does believe that since she under 12 months, she has a better chance. Also, pray for the parents, they need all the strenght, they can get.

As you can see, she had enough.


They do have a blog and they do put updates on it and their prayer needs.

http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/

God bless that family.

Madison, Ohio

The truth be told, I left my heart in Madison, Ohio.

Every time I think about that little town, I break down more and more. That where I want to be. I hate that we left and moved. I hate more than anything in the world.

I know I sound like a little kid complaining but it the honest to god truth.

That where I want to be. Every time, I think about the my degree and things in that nature, I always say, I want a job where I can be in Madison. I mean it. I really want to be there.

More than anything.

Mini Vaca-Trip

I started 2009 out with a bang well sorta of. Lyd,Debbie and I went a road trip to see Charisma and Jonathan. We traveled threw the mountains which were no fun to drive threw but they were beautiful.

The weather wasn't that great so it just kinda ended up being a vacation. Which was a big downer but it was wonderful visiting them. They treated us just like family. I felt so welcomed there. I couldn't ask for anything better.


We mostly play games which created a lot of good laughs. And watch lots of movies, lots.


Aren't they just perfect couple. This is how their niece smiles.

Since that weather was a big bummer, Charisma took us to a small town that look like we step back in time.

Charisma took us to the most amazing ice cream place. yummy.
They live in such a small time that almost everything that they wanted to take us too was closed. So they ended up taking us bowling which was a good time. It was just awesome spending time with them. The sad part was we learned that I cannot bowl worth anything.

And the next day we went home but we did stop in WV and see the mountains one last time and they are still beautiful.



When we got into PA, this is what we saw:

It wasn't the trip we plan but it was amazing. I am very thankful that we got to go on this trip. Thankful for friends like Charisma and Jonathan that let us stay in their house and for friends like Lydia and Debbie that wanted to go on this trip with me.